Swimming in my own abyss!

Okay so for the most part I have tried diligently to maintain an upbeat, positive attitude when writing my blog. If you are hoping and looking for that today - you may want to defer to one of my early posts! Not that I plan on being mamby pamby negative Nelly - nah...but its' been a tough few days for me! I think there will be many a female that will relate to this post - if you do raise your hand high!!

This happens to me probably 3-4 times a year where I step back from my life and realize that I've lost myself. I mean not physically, I know where I am...it's not like I'm wandering around the streets wondering where my home is. No it's more like I don't know who I am anymore other than someone's wife, mother, aunt, sister, grocery list writer...I think you get the picture! I start to feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin and that damn it, is not fair! Why does everyone else get to have a life - have friends, have fun, be carefree? Where did that go for me? I have a ruthless sense of humor and love to laugh and have fun but I find myself being so boring lately! I'm conservative and scared to break out of my shell. I honestly feel like I'm turning into this gangly 13 year old teenager again and trust me you do NOT want to meet her!!

I realize that when you sign up to be a mom there must be some clause that they put in super fine print that tells you that you will lose a portion of that part of your life and I'm okay with that, but I don't want to lose myself completely.

I find myself being angry and bitter - I'm cranky and I don't like Cranky Pants Sharon...she sucks!!! Nobody really wants to be around her - hell I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. And all I really want is someone to understand - to tell me that YES it's okay to find yourself! It's okay to do things and not feel guilty. That's the second part of this...it's not like I'm trapped in this house and told I cannot leave. It's not like my husband shackles me to the walls and does not allow me to have friends....no I have friends....I get out of the house (not nearly enough especially since I work from home) but I'm not a prisioner.

BUT...I'm riddled with guilt! I go and get a pedicure and I feel guilty the entire time watching the clock feeling like I've been gone too long. Nobody has told me that I was gone too long or scolded me in the past for spending too much time getting my toes painted - rather its some stupid feeling I put on myself. G-U-I-L-T!!!
How do you get rid of that stupid pesky little bugger? I start to question myself and think, "heck maybe I am selfish for wanting my toes to look nice every now and then".

I'm starting to resent my husband for the fact that he gets to leave the house and go to work! What's that all about! He has co-workers he interacts with and people he goes out to lunch with. I work from home, and in the back of my mind I know right now I wouldn't change that because I do enjoy it, so I realize that before I bite his head off and scream at him something has to change.

I don' t have the answer - I sure would love one though. I have written about guilt in the past and it seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life - humpf maybe there is a bigger message here after all! No but really how do you still be this great wife and mother and all other names and titles you want to add yet still maintain some semblance of yourself without eating your way through a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? I need some of you brillant woman to dish on this topic!

I refuse to believe I just have to suck it up, feel angry or bitter and hide those feelings or swallow them in order to live my life. That simply cannot be the answer! It's rotting me from the inside! But who am I? Who are any of us? Where do we define those lines? I want to say NO to someone, to plans and be okay with that. I want to say YES to someone to plans and also be okay with that as well! I'm so fearful that I'm going to be this 55 year old empty nester who will crumble because she has no life outside her family!

Please let me know your thoughts....because I'm in a Desperately Seeking Susan kind of funk!!!

S.

A Few Wise Friends....

In life each of us encounter many people on a daily basis. Whether it be at the supermarket, at the gym, at our church, heck even in our neighborhoods. People come and go and that's what makes life so interesting! I have a handful of friends in my life that I completely and utterly rely on. They serve as rocks - some I have known since I was in middle school, others I have known for a few short years or less. I am a person that tends to feed off of other peoples moods - well rather I tend to take things way too personally, think it's my fault and travel down this stupid idiotic road where I'm blaming myself and thinking I should have handled things differently. One of these extremely wise friends of mine said to me one day, "You cannot control other people's emotions"

WOW...ding -ding -ding!! Huge light bulb went off in my head!! How right she is!! Why had I never thought of that before? It was as if I just climbed out from under some rock that had been covering me for 35 years!

We as humans are so worried about all the things that are going on around us. We play hard, and move fast and do way too much at once! (That's an entirely different topic that actually a great friend and positive energy in my life recently blogged about - check it out: http://aapfitness.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/as-dr-seuss-would-say-stuck-in-a-bubble-and-in-trouble/) My point is this - as my wise and dear friend said to me, we cannot control other peoples emotions...just like we cannot control other peoples actions or feelings! BUT - what we can control is our own actions, feelings and how we life our lives!

Is it easy? Is anything in life worth fighting for easy?? NO of course not!! I get down and sad when my teenager gets upset at me because she doesn't like something I said, I take it personally but I have to learn to stop it. It's toxic and you know what she's an 18 year old girl - her life is crazy to begin with and she herself is going through a lot of changes and ups and downs - I know someday our relationship will be amazing again!! I love you Pau!!!  But in the meantime, I have to not let her moods or other peoples moods impact me! I cannot control how they feel or act!!

I have moments where I want to eat cake and ice cream and have a pity party for myself - but does that really honestly do any good at the end of the day? I'm not saying we have to walk around with this eternal positive glow around us - heck no. Life is tough sometimes, things get in the way but it's how we react, recover and move forward! I've been feeling a little down in the dumps the past few days about my body and the changes that it's going through, let's face it I expect to wake up and be one of those glowing, supermodel pregnant chicks - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN SHARON! But, I cannot let that fester and control me!!

So where am I going with all this? Life is short - it's going to fly by - enjoy every day, every moment whether good or bad because once it's gone we cannot get it back! Don't let others around you dictate how you feel about yourself. Remember we cannot control how they feel!! I think once we all grasp the power of those tiny little words and own it, things look a lot different!

Enjoy today and all the little precious moments that will fill it!

S.

Changes....

All my life, okay well not really all my life, but for the past 22 years or so I have looked at my body in a not so wonderful way. I've been cruel, judgemental, and harsh. I've hurt myself whether through actions or words. I've withheld food, I've belittled myself and I've just not cherished what I have been given. I've starved, I've swallowed pills, I've thrown up, I've tried crazy diets, you name it, I've done it! I've purchased crazy DVD's, equipment, blueprint maps ugh....if I look back I've probably spent more on trying to change my body then I did on my education (trust me it's a lot).

There has been a shift within me that I'm so thankful for, but I'm finally ...FINALLY...starting to see myself a little different. Maybe it's because of the child that I'm carrying or maybe it's because of some soul searching and kind, encouraging words from those around me that believe in me, or maybe it's finally the realization that people are not judging me based on what I look like. Heck maybe it's the fact that I'm 35 and guess what it's just about damn time!

I've been continuing to work out during my pregnancy, finally feeling better and getting back to the gym and I love how I feel. I look at my stomach and while there isn't much there yet, it's starting to round out a little. I'm in that "I've had a few too many slices of pizza phases versus pregnant phase".  I'm amazed that we have this great ability to grow another human being and I appreciate all the overtime my body is putting in right now to accomplish that. Knowing that, I'm also enjoying nourishing this child before they even make their entrance into the world! He or She deserves the best possible start I can give them.

As we age - or should I say grow wiser - our bodies will go through changes too. It's not always easy, we live in a society of people that are wanting to slow down or reverse aging. I'm sure if you google it, there is a doctor out there that can fix or reverse anything! I get it - I worry sometimes too about it all, but yet it's also part of life - just like turning 18 and realizing you have to get a job!! Stinks but what are you going to do? I guess my entire point to all of this is that we cannot avoid the changes that take place as we grow older or experience things in life such as a pregnancy. BUT (there's always a but with me isn't there), we can embrace them, and continue to be kind to ourselves! I realize I'm going to gain some weight - UGH the antithesis of what I've been trying to accomplish for the past 2 years - but I'm embracing that. In 5 months I'll get to hold this tiny person in my arms that I am responsible for creating. My body is going to change, my abs won't be as tight (who am I kidding though - not like I had a 6 pack before), but I'll be in a better place mentally, and emotionally. Yes, I'll have some work to do at the gym but I'm excited for that in some way. I feel I'm finally equipping myself with the right tools - who knew I didnt' have to buy anything off of a late night infomercial - I just had to find the strength to believe!

For me it's never going to be about being a model on the cover of a magazine but it's about being a role model to my children. If there is anything that I hope I can teach them it's to love themselves and know that the rest will fall into place!

Yes....No.....Maybe!!

This journey that I'm on is all about the "Yes...No...Maybes" in my life!

Everyday we have decisions...decisions all around us! Should I get out of bed now - or in 15 minutes? Should I head to the gym, or stay home? Should I get dressed for work or stay in my p.j's (I work from home) Should I be kind to myself? Should I journal for the day? Should I cook dinner or would take out be easier? Should I ...Should I....Should I!! By the end of the day sometimes you have lost all your will and you don't even care anymore. Our lives are complicated, complex, glorious and ours to live! Each and every day should be cherished because honestly, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold, things could be drastically different, or I could go on asking all those "should" questions.

Either way, we have decisions. I've made some really strong decisions recently to put myself in the #1 seat in my life. Let me tell you there are days I want to take back this promise and go back to doing things the easy way (what I've been used to). But I know in my heart I simply can't! I'm really working at setting a better example for my children, and not that I want them to be selfish or lack empathy, actually quite the contrary. I simply want them and myself to go through life without feeling this nagging on my shoulders that I should be doing something else for somebody else.

I'll never change my ways - I'll always be a giver and I'll always think of other people because I think that's part of what makes me me. However, I need to find that balance and learn that it's okay to say no! It's not about being mean or selfish or anything like that either - rather it's simply about living a calmer, more relaxed life. I'm not suddenly turned into this person that only thinks of myself and forget the rest of the world. No it's not that, it's more that I'm allowing myself to take care of myself. I'll still cook, clean, send cards and tokens of my love to all those around me. I'll still be there for a friend in need, or a family relative. I'll still give my time and energy to others around me....it's just that I've carved out a niche for myself as well.

I now go to bed every night around 9:00  - I need time alone with a book to decompress from the day. My husband understands this and doesn't take it personally and it's wonderful!!! It's about doing these little things for ourselves that add up to a whole lot of feel good!

What will you do for yourself today?

Take care
S.

It's a New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

Already three days in and I realize that time just goes faster and faster with each passing year!!! I'm not one to make resolutions - oh sure don't get me wrong every year since I was probably 12 I vowed I would not eat sweets ever again, I would work out more and I would be "good"! Humpf....see where that got me!!!

This year I said NO to resolutions because honestly for me they just don't work!! I think there are lot of people out there that would probably agree as well! The general notion of a resolution just sets us up for failure because we make these stringent rules against ourselves that are unrealistically unattainable. Then when we have a minor set back we jump off the wagon completely, call ourselves a failure and say forget it I can't do it!

This year, I've just promised myself to live my life in as many ways as possible, healthier and enriched because I'm not carrying the baggage and guilt around anymore. I'm going to be kinder to myself and really live in the moment! I have been saying this again and again, but life is so precious and so short that we have to live in the moment!!

Now that doesn't mean I give myself permission to eat whatever I want, or go out and enjoy a dozen donuts! Heck no!! What it means is that I'm not going to beat myself up! What I need to do is love myself a little more and the rest will just fall into place!!

Go ahead I dare you to not make a resolution this year!!!

Here's to a great 2011!!!

What is our society coming to?

I read an article the other day in Parent's magazine for January of 2011 that has disturbed me tremendously!! The article talked about how children today are exhibiting signs of eating disorders at the age of 6 or 7! WHAT!!!! The main girl in the article was 7 I believe, and she would withhold foods that she did not consider "healthy", she wouldn't eat ice cream or any types of treats and she would exercise for large amounts of time. It was estimated that she was consuming only 700 calories a day when her body probably needed 3 times that amount!

Being someone that has dealt with an eating disorder since the time I was 13 I found this extremely sad. I remember the routines I used to go through in order to eat and what my nightly regimen was for sit ups and exercises. I was obsessed with what I ate and what I looked like. I couldn't walk past a mirror without criticizing something or finding some sort of flaw. To hear this starting at the age of 6 truly disturbs me!! Children shouldn't be worrying about that stuff - they should be more worried about what game to play next!

Where does this stem from? Have we become a society so obsessed that we only live in a "healthy" or "non-healthy" judged world? Are we as parents giving verbal cues to our children that lead them down this path? I have a 2 and a half year old and am expecting another baby this coming summer and I'm deeply saddened by this. I want to look closer at my own actions and make sure that I guide my own children down the right path. I know for me I have to stop the negative self talk - I never want my daughter to hear me say "I'm on a diet" or "Mommy can't wear this because she looks fat"  - part of this starts with our own actions and beliefs!!

We have to find the happy middle ground with this because our futures depend on it! It's about creating the understanding that we as individuals are not characterized by what this outer shell is, we are more than that. We need to re write our definitions of ourselves to talk about our kind, caring, smart, generous sides - not what size pants we wear! Yet, unless we stand up to media and societal pressures things will honestly only get worse before they get better! We as parents also have to learn to believe in ourselves!! It starts with US!!

I've been working really hard at finding my own belief in myself and this wonderful body that I should be so fortunate to have! Please...be kind to yourselves - you never know what impressionable young ears might hear you!!

A Wasted Emotion!!

GUILT!!

Who doesn't feel that twinge of it every now and again? What Mom out there doesn't feel the tug of guilt as you move through her daily life? Do you eat something and feel guilty? Do you read a book and feel guilty because you should be doing something else? Do you take a nap maybe or get a massage and feel guilty? It's everywhere you look this silly emotion of guilt haunting us!

It's one of those emotions that I struggle with on a daily basis! It probably is the one thing that keeps me from meeting a lot of my goals. I probably spend more time worrying, and thinking about feeling guilty than any human should!

So what exactly do you do about it? There are people in this world who don't seem to let anything or anyone bother them? How does that happen? How do you let things roll off your shoulders and keep moving forward?

I think it's a matter or really analyzing the trigger for guilt and determining if it's even worth it? I feel like we as a species spend so much time wasted on feeling guilty when we could/should just be enjoying our life. So what if you eat a piece of candy? Is feeling guilty going to make you feel any better? NOPE!! Rather sit back and figure out why you ate it? Maybe you just felt like you should - well then rejoice in that candy!! Truly enjoy it and don't feel guilty about it!

We have to stop thinking so much about what society and others want us to do and rather what we want to do! What feels good for you and for your family. At the end of the day my father used to always tell me this, "If you can look yourself in the mirror then there is nothing to worry about"!!

I spend so much time out of life worrying about what others think and feel that it honestly destroys me. I feel guilty that I live in Florida while most of my family lives far away, I feel guilty that I haven't seen my best friend in almost a year and that we no longer talk on the phone for hours at a time, I feel guilty that at night I'm tired and have to go to sleep at 8:30 instead of spending time with my husband! I feel guilty that I'm not able to spread myself so thin I can make everyone happy!!! But like I said earlier - guilt is a terrible wasted emotion!!

I no longer want to feel guilty for things that are beyond my control. If you don't like it....too bad!! I have to live for myself and for my family and make the decisions that suit us!!! Life as I have said before is way too short and too precious to sit back and let such a silly emotion as guilt run it!

Here's to not letting guilt riddle our lives!!!

S.