Swimming in my own abyss!

Okay so for the most part I have tried diligently to maintain an upbeat, positive attitude when writing my blog. If you are hoping and looking for that today - you may want to defer to one of my early posts! Not that I plan on being mamby pamby negative Nelly - nah...but its' been a tough few days for me! I think there will be many a female that will relate to this post - if you do raise your hand high!!

This happens to me probably 3-4 times a year where I step back from my life and realize that I've lost myself. I mean not physically, I know where I am...it's not like I'm wandering around the streets wondering where my home is. No it's more like I don't know who I am anymore other than someone's wife, mother, aunt, sister, grocery list writer...I think you get the picture! I start to feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin and that damn it, is not fair! Why does everyone else get to have a life - have friends, have fun, be carefree? Where did that go for me? I have a ruthless sense of humor and love to laugh and have fun but I find myself being so boring lately! I'm conservative and scared to break out of my shell. I honestly feel like I'm turning into this gangly 13 year old teenager again and trust me you do NOT want to meet her!!

I realize that when you sign up to be a mom there must be some clause that they put in super fine print that tells you that you will lose a portion of that part of your life and I'm okay with that, but I don't want to lose myself completely.

I find myself being angry and bitter - I'm cranky and I don't like Cranky Pants Sharon...she sucks!!! Nobody really wants to be around her - hell I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. And all I really want is someone to understand - to tell me that YES it's okay to find yourself! It's okay to do things and not feel guilty. That's the second part of this...it's not like I'm trapped in this house and told I cannot leave. It's not like my husband shackles me to the walls and does not allow me to have friends....no I have friends....I get out of the house (not nearly enough especially since I work from home) but I'm not a prisioner.

BUT...I'm riddled with guilt! I go and get a pedicure and I feel guilty the entire time watching the clock feeling like I've been gone too long. Nobody has told me that I was gone too long or scolded me in the past for spending too much time getting my toes painted - rather its some stupid feeling I put on myself. G-U-I-L-T!!!
How do you get rid of that stupid pesky little bugger? I start to question myself and think, "heck maybe I am selfish for wanting my toes to look nice every now and then".

I'm starting to resent my husband for the fact that he gets to leave the house and go to work! What's that all about! He has co-workers he interacts with and people he goes out to lunch with. I work from home, and in the back of my mind I know right now I wouldn't change that because I do enjoy it, so I realize that before I bite his head off and scream at him something has to change.

I don' t have the answer - I sure would love one though. I have written about guilt in the past and it seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life - humpf maybe there is a bigger message here after all! No but really how do you still be this great wife and mother and all other names and titles you want to add yet still maintain some semblance of yourself without eating your way through a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? I need some of you brillant woman to dish on this topic!

I refuse to believe I just have to suck it up, feel angry or bitter and hide those feelings or swallow them in order to live my life. That simply cannot be the answer! It's rotting me from the inside! But who am I? Who are any of us? Where do we define those lines? I want to say NO to someone, to plans and be okay with that. I want to say YES to someone to plans and also be okay with that as well! I'm so fearful that I'm going to be this 55 year old empty nester who will crumble because she has no life outside her family!

Please let me know your thoughts....because I'm in a Desperately Seeking Susan kind of funk!!!

S.

A Few Wise Friends....

In life each of us encounter many people on a daily basis. Whether it be at the supermarket, at the gym, at our church, heck even in our neighborhoods. People come and go and that's what makes life so interesting! I have a handful of friends in my life that I completely and utterly rely on. They serve as rocks - some I have known since I was in middle school, others I have known for a few short years or less. I am a person that tends to feed off of other peoples moods - well rather I tend to take things way too personally, think it's my fault and travel down this stupid idiotic road where I'm blaming myself and thinking I should have handled things differently. One of these extremely wise friends of mine said to me one day, "You cannot control other people's emotions"

WOW...ding -ding -ding!! Huge light bulb went off in my head!! How right she is!! Why had I never thought of that before? It was as if I just climbed out from under some rock that had been covering me for 35 years!

We as humans are so worried about all the things that are going on around us. We play hard, and move fast and do way too much at once! (That's an entirely different topic that actually a great friend and positive energy in my life recently blogged about - check it out: http://aapfitness.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/as-dr-seuss-would-say-stuck-in-a-bubble-and-in-trouble/) My point is this - as my wise and dear friend said to me, we cannot control other peoples emotions...just like we cannot control other peoples actions or feelings! BUT - what we can control is our own actions, feelings and how we life our lives!

Is it easy? Is anything in life worth fighting for easy?? NO of course not!! I get down and sad when my teenager gets upset at me because she doesn't like something I said, I take it personally but I have to learn to stop it. It's toxic and you know what she's an 18 year old girl - her life is crazy to begin with and she herself is going through a lot of changes and ups and downs - I know someday our relationship will be amazing again!! I love you Pau!!!  But in the meantime, I have to not let her moods or other peoples moods impact me! I cannot control how they feel or act!!

I have moments where I want to eat cake and ice cream and have a pity party for myself - but does that really honestly do any good at the end of the day? I'm not saying we have to walk around with this eternal positive glow around us - heck no. Life is tough sometimes, things get in the way but it's how we react, recover and move forward! I've been feeling a little down in the dumps the past few days about my body and the changes that it's going through, let's face it I expect to wake up and be one of those glowing, supermodel pregnant chicks - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN SHARON! But, I cannot let that fester and control me!!

So where am I going with all this? Life is short - it's going to fly by - enjoy every day, every moment whether good or bad because once it's gone we cannot get it back! Don't let others around you dictate how you feel about yourself. Remember we cannot control how they feel!! I think once we all grasp the power of those tiny little words and own it, things look a lot different!

Enjoy today and all the little precious moments that will fill it!

S.