Starting over....AGAIN!!

Here I go again!! Buckeling down, getting serious, making myself a priority as well as my health!!

Oh dear -  been here before haven't I?

That's okay though...that's the glory of life - you truly get to start each day new and build upon the past experiences and knowledge. My life it seems has been consumed with food, knowledge around losing weight, health and fitness probably since I was about 12 years old. I guess I'm a self-proclaimed junkie when it comes to this information! I've realized that along the way I've learned a great deal and found a spark within me to share what I'm learning with others and improve my own life. (If only I could keep my mouth shut long enough to not shove food in it - but that's another topic entirely).

So here I go again! I turned 37 a few weeks ago - not bad - I think I look pretty good for 37 (although not sure that I should expect to necessarily look BAD at this age) but I know at the root of it all I need to make some serious changes! This is nothing new, it's not like I've had this great epiphany - I've known for a long time that I needed to do this it's just now some health concerns are telling me I need to pick up the pace and get myself figured out sooner rather than later!

I've been dealing with a strange case of hives for the past almost 3 months  - they only occur at night which I've learned is when our anti-histimine blockers are weakest and vulneralbe. I do not believe it to be an allergy to my detergent or my sheets - maybe my husband but highly unlikely! My intuition tells me it's actually linked to my gut and my ability to deal with stress. There is so much that goes on in our bodies that honestly we really are so ungrateful for all our body does - all the processes it has to do to keep our food digested, moving and our bodies functioning  - seriously it's a miracle! I do think between the stress of a newborn, lack of sleep, full time mommy expectations and all that other stuff in my life (J_O_B), my sugar addiction (num num bring me some cake and I'm a happy girl) that I've just reached this capacity level! I think these hives are a way of my body telling me "Sharon, enough is enough!!!"

So, here I go! I'm back in the gym working out - sweating is good right?
I'm trying to remember to eat breakfast - 11 months ago I never would have dreamed I'd say this but man that little baby sure can throw you off!
I'm dipping my toe in the world of juicing and finding I like it. I do like veggies but honestly here are the straight facts - I get so sick of salads and I just am lazy to prepare them so let's juice them!!


My next mission is to find some time for me (talk about trying to land on the moon)! No really - time each day to clear my head and not make a grocery list, do a load of laundry, pay bills, feed the family and animals - you get the picture!! I'd love to learn to meditate but I'm not sure my brain can shut up long enough to be still and quiet! But that's my goal!

I've got some great mentors in my corner helping me and showing me the right path - encouraging me and being my cheerleaders!! Getting me to think and change the way my silly mind has always put me down and in the corner (Nobody puts Baby in the corner  - oops soorry Dirty Dancy fan over here!)  - thank you (you better know who you are!!)

So here's hoping in the next few weeks I start to see some changes.

I'd love to hear from you out there in Blogger land what your favorite juice recipes are? Or how you learned to meditate? Or how you wire your mouth shut at home so you don't eat all the cake, cookies and ice cream you can possibly shove into your mouth in one 30 second sitting!

Here's to our health!! You only get one life it's time to start living it!

Moving past the fear

I think fear is something we all have - whether you fear jumping out of an airplane, or you fear spiders, or for me I just fear failure in so many shapes and forms. Either way  - no matter what your fear is it can be emotionally, and physically draining as well as an overall hinderance in your life.

How many times do you just get stuck because you are afraid to move forward into that unknown? I know I am constantly stuck and in the end I either find a way around it or I push through. I've done that with most things in my life - fear of failing at a new role, fear of not being good with new software, fear of failing as a friend, mother, wife etc. However there is one area that as usual I never push through and that's this fear I have of myself and all the greatness that I know I can possess. Now, I by no means want to sound egotistical because if anyone reading this knows me that's the polar opposite of me. I typed up an email to a good friend of mine the other day and in it I was complaining about some things, feeling down and being hard on myself and she replied with this:

 "You have this ONE life and you should be your own best fan (I'm a fan of you too!). Give your self permission to LOVE who you are now and you will start to morph into the person you feel you ideally want to be. You have the right to LOVE yourself, to accomplish whatever you DESIRE. You have the right to live happy and healthy..and to cut out the people and things that inhibit any of that."

Gosh for some reason that just makes a ton of sense to me. I've written about this before but I treat my friends and family so well - I love to love people and give and give but I am not my own best friend. I need to start being that way. Forget if someone might be mad at me, or if because I'm wearing a size 14 right now someone might think I'm fat or "boy she hasn't lost the baby weight yet" WHO CARES!!!!

We are only given so many days on this earth and only the man above knows when it's our time, but I really do want to live my life! Live it for my beautiful children and be the role model that they deserve. Not everyone has to like me, or like what I do, I only need to answer to Him and myself in all reality. My life is not that bad, in fact its' GREAT and I want to start acting like that! So, I'm really going to try to push past my own silly fears and be the best friend that I deserve!

Priorities

Priorities....we all have them.....for work, at home, with family and friends! They play an important part of how we function and get things done. Some of us are good at prioritizing and some of us aren't.

BUT...what about making yourself a priority?? Crazy thought right? Unheard of for some of us!

I have been thinking a lot about this lately because, well frankly I'm at the bottom of the pile right now. Between a full time job, a newborn, a toddler, a dog, cat, a husband and a household to run I just have no energy at the end of the day to give to myself. Oh sure, I go to the gym 3 times a week, I get my hair done every 2 months and some may say that's making myself a priority but is it enough?

I feel emotionally drained and not connected to anything - which leads me to believe I'm not doing enough for myself. This then produces a down stream trickle impact....I'm not feeling 100% as a Mom, a wife, or a co-worker! So, how do you solve this?

NO CLUE!!!

No really I have no idea....I think many people suffer this same infliction! I want so badly to do for me and to say NO, but I can't. My body and brain doesn't let me. I have a hard time relaxing at night - I feel I should be cleaning this or folding that when all I really want to do is tell everyone to go to bed and leave me alone! (Not really...well maybe a teeny tiny bit).

But I have to figure this out....I'm dying a slow death and what am I showing my daughters? I don't want to set this expectation that you have to give give give until there is nothing left!! So, I will try harder, I will be more conscious of this and without feeling guilty, really try to make myself a priority!

Bucket List

Do you have a list a mile long of things you want to do, want to accomplish, want to see in your life? Does it seem like that list is constantly getting longer but nothing comes off of it? Maybe it's just me, but man that's exactly how I feel. I have all these things in my mind that I want to do and see and experience but they keep getting pushed to the back of the pile because, well frankly, laundry and cooking dinner take precidence.

I was talking to a good friend this morning and she reminded me about this passion I  have or want to have, for photography - its just hidden because I don't really know how to use my fancy camera! I have books on how to use it, and websites that I've bookmarked to learn but there just isn't enough time in a day to really focus on it. And for me, well let's just say that I don't do things unless I can do them "perfect" (I'll blog about that someday and how I really need to learn to overcome that).

I want to become an expert on Photoshop, learn to use tools at work more efficiently, become a better eLearning designer, learn to sew, scrapebook my wedding albums and baby books for the girls. I want to pick up the Rosetta Stone CD's I have and really learn the Spanish that I've been trying to learn for 10+ years. I want to get to a point in my fitness level where I could teach a class, or help someone else get in better shape. I want to learn more about clean eating and nutrition and what goes into our foods and bodies. That's just the start of the list....exhausting isn't it?

Do you see a pattern here? I have all these things that I want to do and at times that in and of itself overwhelmes me....where do I start? You know what.....you don't!! HUH? That seems a little strange to say but it's true. My dear and very wise friend said to me, and I quote..."Babysteps with everything. Stop thinking you should be and be happy with what you are doing"

Ding Ding Ding....big lighbulb went off in my head!! I'm so wrapped up in all these things I want to do as well as all the things I have to do in a day (job, dinner, etc) that I become physically paralized. I've gotten myself so locked into a corner of all these "should be" things that I cannot even enjoy the moments that are right in front of me. Life really is a journey, it's a marathon not a sprint and along the way we have to all stop and enjoy the sites and sounds and just be happy with where we are!! I have a beautiful family and I know I am truly blessed - that is, at the end of the day, what is truly important!!

Now...where did I put that book on being happy.....

Until next time!!

Update....

Well it's been a long time since my last post and I was recently encouraged to pick this up again - I'm thankful for that encouragement because I do really need the outlet. There is way too much rolling around in this head of mine and let me tell you that's dangerous! I've always been a big journaler and thought thinker....but often times all this stuff was stuck in my own head and I need to get it down on paper!

So let's see...can I catch you up to speed?? In the past 6 months I've....

•  had a beautiful baby girl in June - Gabriella Rose!
• gotten little to no sleep - while I listen to my husband snore or complain that he's tired...Dios Mio!
• cried over the smallest things.....yelled over the big things
• thought I was losing my mind (the jury is still out on this one)

There is a reason why we forget how hard the first year is after you have a baby....because if you remembered you would never do it again!!! I've gone days without showers, questioned if I brushed my teeth or my hair somedays and wondered if I would ever feel normal again. I think I have a new defintion of "normal" thesse days. Now I'm just happy if I've had 2 meals and I have matching socks on!

No but seriously it's so worth it! I love my little family (not my husbands snoring let me go on record as saying that) - they make my life what it is. Yea my house isn't as clean as it used to me, I have bags under my eyes that no amount of make up can cover and none of my clothes fit yet - but it will all fall back into place! (It will right?)

Finding the balance.....can you?

Lately I'm not sure if it's hormones or what but I'm feeling all out of balance! Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually! I read about how as individuals we need to find that space and time for ourselves and make sure we do for ourselves - okay-I get that. But, where is the balance? Where do you still do enough for the family, friends, work, and those around you and still carve out time for yourself without being riddled with guilt or frustration? Where is the line where you are simply expecting too much from others? Or maybe, just maybe you are selfish and frankly your expectations of others are just too high and you need to be knocked down a peg or two?

I'm struggling with this all. I thought I was working so hard and diligently on myself and what I needed but maybe what I really need is a reality check and a kick in the pants to say that I'm the selfish one, I'm the one that actually needs to do more for others. Maybe I'm simply not doing enough? How do you know?

Maybe yet some better questions I need to ask are around communicating what you need - how do you communicate your needs and not have the person reciprocating this message put up defensive walls and feel like a animal backed into a corner? I guess more than anything I'm just feeling a little lost lately  - maybe it's the 22 hours I spend in this house each day - the walls are closing in on me :) I'm just not sure where or how to find myself or my own voice without feeling like a cold hearted witch!

If anyone has any tips, tricks or ideas - trust me they are welcome!!

Perfect....schmerfect....

So, for most of my life I have had this mentality that I either do it 110% or I don't do it! This, while in theory sounds wonderful - hey she's a motivated, driven person, she's going to go full steam! It is a great mentality most of the time, but like everything in life it needs to have boundaries. I tend to quit if I cannot be perfect! Silly little mental block thing I have going on.

Okay so along with all the other things that I have been wanting to do in my life, learning to not be so damn perfect is ranked right up there! Who do I think I am anyway - nobody is perfect, in fact I have learned to love all the little imperfections in each of us. We live in this society where everything is judged; your clothes, the car you drive, how physically fit you are, what you ate for lunch (I had a pita today YUMMO), if your skin looks good, are your eyebrows where they were 10 years ago. UGH it's too much!!

Repeat after me "NOBODY IS PERFECT"!!

(did you say it?)

(just checking)

No but really - I have had this mentality that I had to always do things perfect all the time. It has made me extremely fearful of failure to be honest with you! I would sometimes think if I had a bad eating day, or if I didn't make it to the gym, or if I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on a class that I was a total failure and would never succeed. Pardon me for a moment while I call myself an idiot....but really I was acting like an IDIOT! It's just silly of me to put that much pressure on myself to do everything well all the time - I always tell my children "Give everything in life your best shot - that's all anyone expects out of you" but I wasn't buying into that notion myself!

So, I'm here to say that we don't have to be perfect...in fact I think I personally like and get along with some of the most imperfect people best!! How dreadfully, painful would every day life be if it were all cookie cutter perfect - ugh I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it!

So, as always....let me encourage you to go forth with your day being totally imperfect!!!

Until my next great epiphany....

S.