Priorities

Priorities....we all have them.....for work, at home, with family and friends! They play an important part of how we function and get things done. Some of us are good at prioritizing and some of us aren't.

BUT...what about making yourself a priority?? Crazy thought right? Unheard of for some of us!

I have been thinking a lot about this lately because, well frankly I'm at the bottom of the pile right now. Between a full time job, a newborn, a toddler, a dog, cat, a husband and a household to run I just have no energy at the end of the day to give to myself. Oh sure, I go to the gym 3 times a week, I get my hair done every 2 months and some may say that's making myself a priority but is it enough?

I feel emotionally drained and not connected to anything - which leads me to believe I'm not doing enough for myself. This then produces a down stream trickle impact....I'm not feeling 100% as a Mom, a wife, or a co-worker! So, how do you solve this?

NO CLUE!!!

No really I have no idea....I think many people suffer this same infliction! I want so badly to do for me and to say NO, but I can't. My body and brain doesn't let me. I have a hard time relaxing at night - I feel I should be cleaning this or folding that when all I really want to do is tell everyone to go to bed and leave me alone! (Not really...well maybe a teeny tiny bit).

But I have to figure this out....I'm dying a slow death and what am I showing my daughters? I don't want to set this expectation that you have to give give give until there is nothing left!! So, I will try harder, I will be more conscious of this and without feeling guilty, really try to make myself a priority!

Bucket List

Do you have a list a mile long of things you want to do, want to accomplish, want to see in your life? Does it seem like that list is constantly getting longer but nothing comes off of it? Maybe it's just me, but man that's exactly how I feel. I have all these things in my mind that I want to do and see and experience but they keep getting pushed to the back of the pile because, well frankly, laundry and cooking dinner take precidence.

I was talking to a good friend this morning and she reminded me about this passion I  have or want to have, for photography - its just hidden because I don't really know how to use my fancy camera! I have books on how to use it, and websites that I've bookmarked to learn but there just isn't enough time in a day to really focus on it. And for me, well let's just say that I don't do things unless I can do them "perfect" (I'll blog about that someday and how I really need to learn to overcome that).

I want to become an expert on Photoshop, learn to use tools at work more efficiently, become a better eLearning designer, learn to sew, scrapebook my wedding albums and baby books for the girls. I want to pick up the Rosetta Stone CD's I have and really learn the Spanish that I've been trying to learn for 10+ years. I want to get to a point in my fitness level where I could teach a class, or help someone else get in better shape. I want to learn more about clean eating and nutrition and what goes into our foods and bodies. That's just the start of the list....exhausting isn't it?

Do you see a pattern here? I have all these things that I want to do and at times that in and of itself overwhelmes me....where do I start? You know what.....you don't!! HUH? That seems a little strange to say but it's true. My dear and very wise friend said to me, and I quote..."Babysteps with everything. Stop thinking you should be and be happy with what you are doing"

Ding Ding Ding....big lighbulb went off in my head!! I'm so wrapped up in all these things I want to do as well as all the things I have to do in a day (job, dinner, etc) that I become physically paralized. I've gotten myself so locked into a corner of all these "should be" things that I cannot even enjoy the moments that are right in front of me. Life really is a journey, it's a marathon not a sprint and along the way we have to all stop and enjoy the sites and sounds and just be happy with where we are!! I have a beautiful family and I know I am truly blessed - that is, at the end of the day, what is truly important!!

Now...where did I put that book on being happy.....

Until next time!!

Update....

Well it's been a long time since my last post and I was recently encouraged to pick this up again - I'm thankful for that encouragement because I do really need the outlet. There is way too much rolling around in this head of mine and let me tell you that's dangerous! I've always been a big journaler and thought thinker....but often times all this stuff was stuck in my own head and I need to get it down on paper!

So let's see...can I catch you up to speed?? In the past 6 months I've....

•  had a beautiful baby girl in June - Gabriella Rose!
• gotten little to no sleep - while I listen to my husband snore or complain that he's tired...Dios Mio!
• cried over the smallest things.....yelled over the big things
• thought I was losing my mind (the jury is still out on this one)

There is a reason why we forget how hard the first year is after you have a baby....because if you remembered you would never do it again!!! I've gone days without showers, questioned if I brushed my teeth or my hair somedays and wondered if I would ever feel normal again. I think I have a new defintion of "normal" thesse days. Now I'm just happy if I've had 2 meals and I have matching socks on!

No but seriously it's so worth it! I love my little family (not my husbands snoring let me go on record as saying that) - they make my life what it is. Yea my house isn't as clean as it used to me, I have bags under my eyes that no amount of make up can cover and none of my clothes fit yet - but it will all fall back into place! (It will right?)

Finding the balance.....can you?

Lately I'm not sure if it's hormones or what but I'm feeling all out of balance! Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually! I read about how as individuals we need to find that space and time for ourselves and make sure we do for ourselves - okay-I get that. But, where is the balance? Where do you still do enough for the family, friends, work, and those around you and still carve out time for yourself without being riddled with guilt or frustration? Where is the line where you are simply expecting too much from others? Or maybe, just maybe you are selfish and frankly your expectations of others are just too high and you need to be knocked down a peg or two?

I'm struggling with this all. I thought I was working so hard and diligently on myself and what I needed but maybe what I really need is a reality check and a kick in the pants to say that I'm the selfish one, I'm the one that actually needs to do more for others. Maybe I'm simply not doing enough? How do you know?

Maybe yet some better questions I need to ask are around communicating what you need - how do you communicate your needs and not have the person reciprocating this message put up defensive walls and feel like a animal backed into a corner? I guess more than anything I'm just feeling a little lost lately  - maybe it's the 22 hours I spend in this house each day - the walls are closing in on me :) I'm just not sure where or how to find myself or my own voice without feeling like a cold hearted witch!

If anyone has any tips, tricks or ideas - trust me they are welcome!!

Perfect....schmerfect....

So, for most of my life I have had this mentality that I either do it 110% or I don't do it! This, while in theory sounds wonderful - hey she's a motivated, driven person, she's going to go full steam! It is a great mentality most of the time, but like everything in life it needs to have boundaries. I tend to quit if I cannot be perfect! Silly little mental block thing I have going on.

Okay so along with all the other things that I have been wanting to do in my life, learning to not be so damn perfect is ranked right up there! Who do I think I am anyway - nobody is perfect, in fact I have learned to love all the little imperfections in each of us. We live in this society where everything is judged; your clothes, the car you drive, how physically fit you are, what you ate for lunch (I had a pita today YUMMO), if your skin looks good, are your eyebrows where they were 10 years ago. UGH it's too much!!

Repeat after me "NOBODY IS PERFECT"!!

(did you say it?)

(just checking)

No but really - I have had this mentality that I had to always do things perfect all the time. It has made me extremely fearful of failure to be honest with you! I would sometimes think if I had a bad eating day, or if I didn't make it to the gym, or if I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on a class that I was a total failure and would never succeed. Pardon me for a moment while I call myself an idiot....but really I was acting like an IDIOT! It's just silly of me to put that much pressure on myself to do everything well all the time - I always tell my children "Give everything in life your best shot - that's all anyone expects out of you" but I wasn't buying into that notion myself!

So, I'm here to say that we don't have to be perfect...in fact I think I personally like and get along with some of the most imperfect people best!! How dreadfully, painful would every day life be if it were all cookie cutter perfect - ugh I think I'm going to be sick just thinking about it!

So, as always....let me encourage you to go forth with your day being totally imperfect!!!

Until my next great epiphany....

S.

Swimming in my own abyss!

Okay so for the most part I have tried diligently to maintain an upbeat, positive attitude when writing my blog. If you are hoping and looking for that today - you may want to defer to one of my early posts! Not that I plan on being mamby pamby negative Nelly - nah...but its' been a tough few days for me! I think there will be many a female that will relate to this post - if you do raise your hand high!!

This happens to me probably 3-4 times a year where I step back from my life and realize that I've lost myself. I mean not physically, I know where I am...it's not like I'm wandering around the streets wondering where my home is. No it's more like I don't know who I am anymore other than someone's wife, mother, aunt, sister, grocery list writer...I think you get the picture! I start to feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin and that damn it, is not fair! Why does everyone else get to have a life - have friends, have fun, be carefree? Where did that go for me? I have a ruthless sense of humor and love to laugh and have fun but I find myself being so boring lately! I'm conservative and scared to break out of my shell. I honestly feel like I'm turning into this gangly 13 year old teenager again and trust me you do NOT want to meet her!!

I realize that when you sign up to be a mom there must be some clause that they put in super fine print that tells you that you will lose a portion of that part of your life and I'm okay with that, but I don't want to lose myself completely.

I find myself being angry and bitter - I'm cranky and I don't like Cranky Pants Sharon...she sucks!!! Nobody really wants to be around her - hell I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. And all I really want is someone to understand - to tell me that YES it's okay to find yourself! It's okay to do things and not feel guilty. That's the second part of this...it's not like I'm trapped in this house and told I cannot leave. It's not like my husband shackles me to the walls and does not allow me to have friends....no I have friends....I get out of the house (not nearly enough especially since I work from home) but I'm not a prisioner.

BUT...I'm riddled with guilt! I go and get a pedicure and I feel guilty the entire time watching the clock feeling like I've been gone too long. Nobody has told me that I was gone too long or scolded me in the past for spending too much time getting my toes painted - rather its some stupid feeling I put on myself. G-U-I-L-T!!!
How do you get rid of that stupid pesky little bugger? I start to question myself and think, "heck maybe I am selfish for wanting my toes to look nice every now and then".

I'm starting to resent my husband for the fact that he gets to leave the house and go to work! What's that all about! He has co-workers he interacts with and people he goes out to lunch with. I work from home, and in the back of my mind I know right now I wouldn't change that because I do enjoy it, so I realize that before I bite his head off and scream at him something has to change.

I don' t have the answer - I sure would love one though. I have written about guilt in the past and it seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life - humpf maybe there is a bigger message here after all! No but really how do you still be this great wife and mother and all other names and titles you want to add yet still maintain some semblance of yourself without eating your way through a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? I need some of you brillant woman to dish on this topic!

I refuse to believe I just have to suck it up, feel angry or bitter and hide those feelings or swallow them in order to live my life. That simply cannot be the answer! It's rotting me from the inside! But who am I? Who are any of us? Where do we define those lines? I want to say NO to someone, to plans and be okay with that. I want to say YES to someone to plans and also be okay with that as well! I'm so fearful that I'm going to be this 55 year old empty nester who will crumble because she has no life outside her family!

Please let me know your thoughts....because I'm in a Desperately Seeking Susan kind of funk!!!

S.

A Few Wise Friends....

In life each of us encounter many people on a daily basis. Whether it be at the supermarket, at the gym, at our church, heck even in our neighborhoods. People come and go and that's what makes life so interesting! I have a handful of friends in my life that I completely and utterly rely on. They serve as rocks - some I have known since I was in middle school, others I have known for a few short years or less. I am a person that tends to feed off of other peoples moods - well rather I tend to take things way too personally, think it's my fault and travel down this stupid idiotic road where I'm blaming myself and thinking I should have handled things differently. One of these extremely wise friends of mine said to me one day, "You cannot control other people's emotions"

WOW...ding -ding -ding!! Huge light bulb went off in my head!! How right she is!! Why had I never thought of that before? It was as if I just climbed out from under some rock that had been covering me for 35 years!

We as humans are so worried about all the things that are going on around us. We play hard, and move fast and do way too much at once! (That's an entirely different topic that actually a great friend and positive energy in my life recently blogged about - check it out: http://aapfitness.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/as-dr-seuss-would-say-stuck-in-a-bubble-and-in-trouble/) My point is this - as my wise and dear friend said to me, we cannot control other peoples emotions...just like we cannot control other peoples actions or feelings! BUT - what we can control is our own actions, feelings and how we life our lives!

Is it easy? Is anything in life worth fighting for easy?? NO of course not!! I get down and sad when my teenager gets upset at me because she doesn't like something I said, I take it personally but I have to learn to stop it. It's toxic and you know what she's an 18 year old girl - her life is crazy to begin with and she herself is going through a lot of changes and ups and downs - I know someday our relationship will be amazing again!! I love you Pau!!!  But in the meantime, I have to not let her moods or other peoples moods impact me! I cannot control how they feel or act!!

I have moments where I want to eat cake and ice cream and have a pity party for myself - but does that really honestly do any good at the end of the day? I'm not saying we have to walk around with this eternal positive glow around us - heck no. Life is tough sometimes, things get in the way but it's how we react, recover and move forward! I've been feeling a little down in the dumps the past few days about my body and the changes that it's going through, let's face it I expect to wake up and be one of those glowing, supermodel pregnant chicks - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN SHARON! But, I cannot let that fester and control me!!

So where am I going with all this? Life is short - it's going to fly by - enjoy every day, every moment whether good or bad because once it's gone we cannot get it back! Don't let others around you dictate how you feel about yourself. Remember we cannot control how they feel!! I think once we all grasp the power of those tiny little words and own it, things look a lot different!

Enjoy today and all the little precious moments that will fill it!

S.

Changes....

All my life, okay well not really all my life, but for the past 22 years or so I have looked at my body in a not so wonderful way. I've been cruel, judgemental, and harsh. I've hurt myself whether through actions or words. I've withheld food, I've belittled myself and I've just not cherished what I have been given. I've starved, I've swallowed pills, I've thrown up, I've tried crazy diets, you name it, I've done it! I've purchased crazy DVD's, equipment, blueprint maps ugh....if I look back I've probably spent more on trying to change my body then I did on my education (trust me it's a lot).

There has been a shift within me that I'm so thankful for, but I'm finally ...FINALLY...starting to see myself a little different. Maybe it's because of the child that I'm carrying or maybe it's because of some soul searching and kind, encouraging words from those around me that believe in me, or maybe it's finally the realization that people are not judging me based on what I look like. Heck maybe it's the fact that I'm 35 and guess what it's just about damn time!

I've been continuing to work out during my pregnancy, finally feeling better and getting back to the gym and I love how I feel. I look at my stomach and while there isn't much there yet, it's starting to round out a little. I'm in that "I've had a few too many slices of pizza phases versus pregnant phase".  I'm amazed that we have this great ability to grow another human being and I appreciate all the overtime my body is putting in right now to accomplish that. Knowing that, I'm also enjoying nourishing this child before they even make their entrance into the world! He or She deserves the best possible start I can give them.

As we age - or should I say grow wiser - our bodies will go through changes too. It's not always easy, we live in a society of people that are wanting to slow down or reverse aging. I'm sure if you google it, there is a doctor out there that can fix or reverse anything! I get it - I worry sometimes too about it all, but yet it's also part of life - just like turning 18 and realizing you have to get a job!! Stinks but what are you going to do? I guess my entire point to all of this is that we cannot avoid the changes that take place as we grow older or experience things in life such as a pregnancy. BUT (there's always a but with me isn't there), we can embrace them, and continue to be kind to ourselves! I realize I'm going to gain some weight - UGH the antithesis of what I've been trying to accomplish for the past 2 years - but I'm embracing that. In 5 months I'll get to hold this tiny person in my arms that I am responsible for creating. My body is going to change, my abs won't be as tight (who am I kidding though - not like I had a 6 pack before), but I'll be in a better place mentally, and emotionally. Yes, I'll have some work to do at the gym but I'm excited for that in some way. I feel I'm finally equipping myself with the right tools - who knew I didnt' have to buy anything off of a late night infomercial - I just had to find the strength to believe!

For me it's never going to be about being a model on the cover of a magazine but it's about being a role model to my children. If there is anything that I hope I can teach them it's to love themselves and know that the rest will fall into place!

Yes....No.....Maybe!!

This journey that I'm on is all about the "Yes...No...Maybes" in my life!

Everyday we have decisions...decisions all around us! Should I get out of bed now - or in 15 minutes? Should I head to the gym, or stay home? Should I get dressed for work or stay in my p.j's (I work from home) Should I be kind to myself? Should I journal for the day? Should I cook dinner or would take out be easier? Should I ...Should I....Should I!! By the end of the day sometimes you have lost all your will and you don't even care anymore. Our lives are complicated, complex, glorious and ours to live! Each and every day should be cherished because honestly, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold, things could be drastically different, or I could go on asking all those "should" questions.

Either way, we have decisions. I've made some really strong decisions recently to put myself in the #1 seat in my life. Let me tell you there are days I want to take back this promise and go back to doing things the easy way (what I've been used to). But I know in my heart I simply can't! I'm really working at setting a better example for my children, and not that I want them to be selfish or lack empathy, actually quite the contrary. I simply want them and myself to go through life without feeling this nagging on my shoulders that I should be doing something else for somebody else.

I'll never change my ways - I'll always be a giver and I'll always think of other people because I think that's part of what makes me me. However, I need to find that balance and learn that it's okay to say no! It's not about being mean or selfish or anything like that either - rather it's simply about living a calmer, more relaxed life. I'm not suddenly turned into this person that only thinks of myself and forget the rest of the world. No it's not that, it's more that I'm allowing myself to take care of myself. I'll still cook, clean, send cards and tokens of my love to all those around me. I'll still be there for a friend in need, or a family relative. I'll still give my time and energy to others around me....it's just that I've carved out a niche for myself as well.

I now go to bed every night around 9:00  - I need time alone with a book to decompress from the day. My husband understands this and doesn't take it personally and it's wonderful!!! It's about doing these little things for ourselves that add up to a whole lot of feel good!

What will you do for yourself today?

Take care
S.

It's a New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

Already three days in and I realize that time just goes faster and faster with each passing year!!! I'm not one to make resolutions - oh sure don't get me wrong every year since I was probably 12 I vowed I would not eat sweets ever again, I would work out more and I would be "good"! Humpf....see where that got me!!!

This year I said NO to resolutions because honestly for me they just don't work!! I think there are lot of people out there that would probably agree as well! The general notion of a resolution just sets us up for failure because we make these stringent rules against ourselves that are unrealistically unattainable. Then when we have a minor set back we jump off the wagon completely, call ourselves a failure and say forget it I can't do it!

This year, I've just promised myself to live my life in as many ways as possible, healthier and enriched because I'm not carrying the baggage and guilt around anymore. I'm going to be kinder to myself and really live in the moment! I have been saying this again and again, but life is so precious and so short that we have to live in the moment!!

Now that doesn't mean I give myself permission to eat whatever I want, or go out and enjoy a dozen donuts! Heck no!! What it means is that I'm not going to beat myself up! What I need to do is love myself a little more and the rest will just fall into place!!

Go ahead I dare you to not make a resolution this year!!!

Here's to a great 2011!!!