Okay so for the most part I have tried diligently to maintain an upbeat, positive attitude when writing my blog. If you are hoping and looking for that today - you may want to defer to one of my early posts! Not that I plan on being mamby pamby negative Nelly - nah...but its' been a tough few days for me! I think there will be many a female that will relate to this post - if you do raise your hand high!!
This happens to me probably 3-4 times a year where I step back from my life and realize that I've lost myself. I mean not physically, I know where I am...it's not like I'm wandering around the streets wondering where my home is. No it's more like I don't know who I am anymore other than someone's wife, mother, aunt, sister, grocery list writer...I think you get the picture! I start to feel like I'm suffocating in my own skin and that damn it, is not fair! Why does everyone else get to have a life - have friends, have fun, be carefree? Where did that go for me? I have a ruthless sense of humor and love to laugh and have fun but I find myself being so boring lately! I'm conservative and scared to break out of my shell. I honestly feel like I'm turning into this gangly 13 year old teenager again and trust me you do NOT want to meet her!!
I realize that when you sign up to be a mom there must be some clause that they put in super fine print that tells you that you will lose a portion of that part of your life and I'm okay with that, but I don't want to lose myself completely.
I find myself being angry and bitter - I'm cranky and I don't like Cranky Pants Sharon...she sucks!!! Nobody really wants to be around her - hell I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. And all I really want is someone to understand - to tell me that YES it's okay to find yourself! It's okay to do things and not feel guilty. That's the second part of this...it's not like I'm trapped in this house and told I cannot leave. It's not like my husband shackles me to the walls and does not allow me to have friends....no I have friends....I get out of the house (not nearly enough especially since I work from home) but I'm not a prisioner.
BUT...I'm riddled with guilt! I go and get a pedicure and I feel guilty the entire time watching the clock feeling like I've been gone too long. Nobody has told me that I was gone too long or scolded me in the past for spending too much time getting my toes painted - rather its some stupid feeling I put on myself. G-U-I-L-T!!!
How do you get rid of that stupid pesky little bugger? I start to question myself and think, "heck maybe I am selfish for wanting my toes to look nice every now and then".
I'm starting to resent my husband for the fact that he gets to leave the house and go to work! What's that all about! He has co-workers he interacts with and people he goes out to lunch with. I work from home, and in the back of my mind I know right now I wouldn't change that because I do enjoy it, so I realize that before I bite his head off and scream at him something has to change.
I don' t have the answer - I sure would love one though. I have written about guilt in the past and it seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life - humpf maybe there is a bigger message here after all! No but really how do you still be this great wife and mother and all other names and titles you want to add yet still maintain some semblance of yourself without eating your way through a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? I need some of you brillant woman to dish on this topic!
I refuse to believe I just have to suck it up, feel angry or bitter and hide those feelings or swallow them in order to live my life. That simply cannot be the answer! It's rotting me from the inside! But who am I? Who are any of us? Where do we define those lines? I want to say NO to someone, to plans and be okay with that. I want to say YES to someone to plans and also be okay with that as well! I'm so fearful that I'm going to be this 55 year old empty nester who will crumble because she has no life outside her family!
Please let me know your thoughts....because I'm in a Desperately Seeking Susan kind of funk!!!
S.
I have an answer. I felt like that a lot too - especially the counting every minute to get back instead of enjoying a pedicure or whatever. This is it. Give yourself permission to be a person. Ask yourself this: what happens if you don't run home after your pedicure? What happens if you sit and let your toenails dry? Will someone be mad? Probably not. If the answer is "yes", then they will be mad whenever you get home, so you might as well enjoy yourself! Brian used to tell me "Be back in ___ minutes." I would bust my A-S-S to be home in that many minutes and he wouldn't even care. He'd be doing something else, or my favorite, he left. So, think about what it means to have what you want and what are the steps to get it. Think about who/what are the obstructions and (within reason of course) take the time that you want and need. We are nothing if we lose ourselves.
ReplyDelete